Are you the parent you always that you would be? I have to admit that I am not. Definitely not. Growing up I had all these images in my head about what life would be like with kids, and I can tell you that my life is definitely NOT what I had dreamed about. I was at the beginning. Then things changed.
Not to say I don't love it, because I do. It's just not the way I always pictured it would be. I figured I would be a SAHM, which I am. I imagined my house would be immaculate, and my kids would be perfect little angels since I had so much time to spend with them and do fun things. All sorts of seasonal crafts, nature walks, almost zero television.
Well, I can tell you that is NOT how it turned out. It was for the first little while, when I only had one child. I had all the patience in the world. I think I raised my voice at Mr. J twice before I got pregnant with Mr. K - and both times it was because he was doing something dangerous.
Once I was pregnant and those hormones started to rush into my body, almost all my patience was gone. I would be short with him for small things, and I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to do those seasonal crafts from my childhood dreams.
I would lie on the floor and close my eyes while he drove cars over me; of course, once Mr. K came into the picture things were even more difficult because I now had a tiny little being depending on me for everything.
Things got better, my patience came back (a little bit, it's still somewhat missing though). I went through a phase where I yelled....a lot, and I am not proud of it. It is what it is though and I have tried to move on from that point.
In terms of having an immaculate house with hardly any television....yeah, that didn't happen either. You would think with the kids at school I would be able to keep on top of it, but that doesn't happen. There is always something to be done, somewhere to go or something that needs to be baked.... that is probably one of the only parts of my original dream that has actually come to life - I love to bake, and do it a few times a week....sometimes I will bake a few items in a day even.
The TV - well, sometimes, I just need some time to get stuff done that does not involve help - and while the kids love to play with lego, draw pictures or play outside, the TV can often suck them in. Kind of like the computer and internet are able to suck me in....
All that to say that I am not the mom I always thought I would be; sometimes I wish things were different, but it just isn't who I am anymore. I enjoy playing on the floor with the kids for a little while, but then I get my mind wanders to other things that need to get done and I am ready to move onto something else - most likely in the kitchen. I don't mind playing board games for a bit, but after an hour or so I am ready to get up and move around.
My life may not be the how I dreamed it would be at 12 years old - and that's ok. I am not the same person I was at 12 either.