This post may be all over the place - just trying to get some thoughts out.
I love my boys. I love being a mom. But there are some days that I question my abilities, and my decision to have kids. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't trade my kids for ANYTHING. It's just that there are times where my patience is non existant. I am tired, cranky, and just want to curl up with a glass of wine and forget about anything else (which I did last night - after the kids were in bed).
Being a mom is by far the HARDEST job I have ever had. I never expected it to be easy, but it sure is much more difficult than I expected. I am responsible for these 2 tiny beings. 1 of them likes to question EVERYTHING; and the other can't tell me ANYTHING. I need to make sure that they are fed, clean, happy, healthy (for the most part) and teach them about the world they live in; I need to keep them out of harms way (which is a scary thought, that when they aren't with me I can't ensure their safety). It scares me that someone could pick them up off the street (when they are older) or lure them into a bathroom somewhere and do unimaginable things to them.
Some nights I watch my boys sleeping, and remember what it felt like when I found out that I was pregnant with each of them. I remember the awe I felt when they moved inside me. The first time I nursed Julien - he was 11 days old and I was unsure of what I was doing - petrified that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. When we didn't have issues, I was thrilled. Even now, with Kyle it AMAZES me that my body can provide all the nourishment that they need.
As I said, this post is all over the place - and there really is n't a point to it either. Yesterday was just a difficult day. But today is better.